insecurities.

If you've never watched Dating In The Dark, please do go watch an episode. Talk about a show that brings out a person's insecurities. Pretty much, its dating a complete stranger in the dark for four dates and on the last date you get to finally see what the person looks like and after that you choose whether or not you wanna go on dating that person. And sadly, there have been so many people who have walked away just because the other person was not attractive, whether they be too thick, too short, or just plain hideous looking. SAD I KNOW. But just makes me think, do I have a good enough personality to be dated in the dark and am I pretty enough from keeping a guy from walking away? But seriously, why should it matter? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder right? And a person who walks away because they're shallow is just not worth it. But then I think to myself, if I were standing in front of myself in that dark room and the light was shown on me, what would be my first impression of myself? Weird concept, I guess. I don't think I've ever been so insecure about myself. It's not even like I think I'm totally ugly or that I'm the least attractive person ever but I feel like I have problems being in any sort of relationship because of my personality and a lot of times my emotions. I feel like my personality is not good enough. I don't know where to start but I am working on these insecurities one step at a time. I realize that having insecurities is like having extra baggage, its just holding me back from doing what I really want. But I'm working on it, I am.

one more week.

Only one more week and pretty much my summer ends. Ridiculous much? yeah I think so. I know a lot of people are going back to school but I mean, hey I'm on the UC system. Anywho. This past weekend has been fun. It was nice being at home and seeing family and friends. I spent a lot of time at home just chilling, not doing much, which was a change. Won't be doing that for a while.
However, I am really looking forward to the next following weeks. RA Training will be good for me. I will be busy, too busy to be worrying about the unnecessities. Hopefully I will be able to get my life back on track and focus on the important stuff: my staff, my residents, my school work (school probably should have come before staff&resident huh...haha) and fraternity. No more boys. No more partying. No more slacking off. I think summer really helped me realize that I have the potential to do well in school and that I just need the motivation and have the right mindset. I just need to prioritize and set time aside for whats important! I'm really going to miss having the freedom I had while living in Isla Vista but I mean, too much freedom can never be a good thing.
okkkkkkkkk, only 8 more hours of work to go! working 9pm-7am tonight. weeeeee!

independence.

I think the reason why I claim to be independent and say I don't like relying on others is because when it comes down to it, I'm just really afraid that you won't be there for me when I need you the most.

i hate pushing people away but i seriously can't take the thought of someone caring for me.

sad.

blur.

So last week was National Convention :) I think all the pictures on Facebook explains how the week went. It was definitely a memorable week to say the least. I can't wait for convention in Phoenix, Arizona :)

So I officially am done with summer school and since I've been back life has been pretty chill. I love not having to worry about having to write an essay or read a book. I'm proud to say that I got a 3.7 gpa for the summer & passed my stupid French literature class :) :) I've been working ridiculous amounts of hours though and am slowly getting worn out. The ASB camp has definitely been a handful. Some are just super rude and I can't stand rude people. They get on my nerves and make me cry lol It's okay though because seeing GGHS makes up for all the rude white hs.
So yesterday i totally had a horrible day and was in the worst mood ever. I felt bad because I really didn't know specifically what was bothering me. I hate making things bigger than it really is but i feel like alll the little things piling up just start becoming very overwhelming :[ im over it though thanks to playing some tennis. Second time I played this week :] feels really good!

Only 17 more days until I can move into my room in San Nic! I'm excited =] Can't wait to leave this rat/mice infested house. ugh. Its going to be weird not seeing Adri every day though :( :( sad. So I'm trying to clean my room and pack up all my clothes that I don't think I'll be wearing in the next 17 days and omg, i can't believe how much clothes I freaking have. I really need to get rid of some. I'm never going to have enough room for new clothes haha :) totally kidding. too freaking poor to be shopping.
I really miss seeing all my friends. I feel like I'm being a bad friend because first session I was so busy with classes and now I'm working 40 hours a week, I never have time for my friends. I barely see any friends here in SB, let alone friends from home. I don't want people to think I'm some workaholic but I feel like I need to help out my family's financial situation. Work now, play later =[ sorry.

Ok, going to finish up laundry and then head to work. Movie night :) :) bye!

exhausted.

I am so ridiculously exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Yesterday I went to Six Flags with my staff and got back to SB around 9pm. I went to Henry's birthday thing and then had work from 1am-7am. Towards the end of my shift I got really sick and threw up. Went home and slept. I had work again at 10:30 but i was too exhausted so I had Kelly cover two hours of it for me. I went back to work at 12:30 and worked until 11pm. Thank Goodness there were so many things going on that I wasn't bored out of my mind. Craziest, longest, shift ever.

Went to talk things out with a friend. Pretty much ended up badly. Whatever, like I said, I am emotionally drained and I can't deal with drama. So I left.

I have to write my 8 page paper tonight. I work again at 6:45am tomorrow. David's going to come in early for me and work at 9:30 so that I can go home and pack. I'm going home tomorrow and then flying out to Florida on Tuesday. It seriously hasn't even hit me yet. I haven't done anything to prepare for the trip. *sigh* I can't wait until I finish this paper.

Don't you hate it when like..you have things you need to do but then there's something going on that if you don't get it off your chest and do whatever you need to to resolve it... you just can't pull yourself together and finish that thing you need to do? that's how i feel right now.

good night.